The most important thing is to not give up. It’s never too late to build our influence and our relationship!
Recognizing windows of opportunity
Traditionally, programs designed to help prevent underage drinking have advised us to talk with our children at specific ages or moments in their lives. But as we’ve seen through our examination of parenting stages, children of all ages can benefit from on-going honest discussions about alcohol. To have meaning, these conversations have to be relevant, and relevance can’t be scheduled.
In our lives as parents, there are windows of opportunity we can use to help strengthen our influence. Sometimes these windows open predictably, such as right after a school assembly about underage drinking. Sometimes they open when we least expect them. Perhaps we’re driving home after a holiday party at a relative’s house at which an aunt or uncle had too much to drink. Or, there’s a story about alcohol on the news. Or, our son or daughter is invited to his or her first party.
In these moments, when our children’s minds are thrown open, our guidance and advice can blow in naturally, without resistance. To preserve our influence, we have to be on the lookout for these opportunities, and when we spot them, we should seize the moment.
The importance of follow-up questions
Even after we’ve begun to have deeper and more meaningful conversations about alcohol, we have to remember that kids have a lot on their minds. To make sure our advice and expectations are clear, we should get in the habit of asking good follow-up questions. For younger kids, this can be something as simple as “How old do we have to be to drink?” For teenagers and young adults, it may be “Now, tell me again what you’ll do if your ride home has been drinking?”
These types of follow-up questions are important for several reasons:
- They help create accountability.
- They show you have a genuine concern for the end result.
- They create new opportunities for communication.
- They are another way to check in and stay connected with our kids, especially teens.
How to know if it’s working …
In the beginning, the victories may be small ones. Our children may want to hang out with us a little more. They may disappear into their rooms a little less often. Then, after a while, we’ll start to notice more conversation, more sharing of information. Our kids will ask us more questions on all kinds of topics. When we ask them questions, they’ll give longer answers because they trust we won’t interrupt, penalize, or judge them. As our relationships progress, success will become more obvious. Our connections will feel stronger and our children will begin to trust us with new information about their lives. There will be a level of mutual respect that lets us know we’re on the right track.
… or if it’s not
If things aren’t working, it will be obvious. There will be more distance in our relationships, the level of trust will decrease and conversations will continue to occur on a “need to know basis.” In some cases, our kids may develop problems with alcohol or other substances. If this happens – or if we suspect it is happening – we will need some additional information or outside help. On this website there are recommendations for additional reading, along with a list of resources to contact for professional support.
“Everything is connected in parenting. You can’t expect to be rigid in one area and not closed in another. These are the years where you really need to know what’s going on for your child and keep communications open.”
Dr. Elizabeth Miles, Psychologist