Even at a young age, kids have a pretty sophisticated ability to know when they’re being truly listened to, and when they’re just being tolerated. Our kids – especially teens – have a deep need to be heard. In fact, it’s one of the most critical aspects of a parent-child relationship. If kids think we’re not listening, they’ll stop talking to us. Therefore, as parents, we need to understand the three distinct “levels of listening.”
Chances are, most of our conversations with our kids involve listening with an agenda, which is Level 1 listening. That’s perfectly understandable. However, if we can elevate our conversations and listen with an open mind, Level 3 listening, we have a much better chance of uncovering our children’s true thoughts, fears and opinions about underage drinking. In some ways, listening is the most powerful tool we have for preventing underage drinking.
Level 1 – Listening with an Agenda
At this level, we aren’t really listening at all; we’re just reciting a script we have in our minds.
For example, we might say: “Sit down. Your mother and I want to talk to you about underage drinking. You know you’re not supposed to drink, right?”
In other words, we’ve come to the conversation with a specific outcome in mind. We aren’t really open to ideas that stray from our original agenda. Level 1 listening is usually characterized by yes-or-no answers and interruptions, which can lead to misinterpretations, misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Level 2 – Listening From Your Perspective
This level of listening is better, but it still lacks true openness. At Level 2, we’re listening to what our kids say, but we’re instantly relating it to our own views and experiences.
For example:
Teenager: “Mom, you just don’t understand how hard it is to be the only one of my friends that has such strict rules.”
Parent: “I know it’s hard to be a teenager. When I was your age … (etc).”
When we listen like this, our kids feel as though their comments are just a platform for us to remind them that we know what’s best. On the surface, it may seem like we’re having a conversation, but actually we’re not. We’re just waiting for our turn to talk.
Level 3 – Listening with an Open Mind
True listening means listening without judgement or criticism, and responding to the specific ideas, feelings, and opinions expressed by our kids in the present moment. In other words, we focus on what they’re saying and feeling, and not on what they’ve said in the past, or what we believe, or what we think they should be saying.
For example:
Teenager: “Mom, you just don’t understand how hard it is to be the only one of my friends that has such strict rules.”
Parent: “I understand it must be hard to feel singled out like that. What makes it difficult? How have you been dealing with it?”
As parents, it’s always tempting to discount the way our kids feel, because we don’t believe they have “real” problems. But their problems certainly feel real to them. By responding to their comments with an open mind, we show them respect, which helps build trust and a higher level of involvement in their lives.
True listening goes beyond taking in what the person is saying and just replying “Gotcha.” Active listening with an open mind is the act of acknowledging the feelings and situation of the person and restating that total message back for clarification and feedback. This validates what the child is saying, and lets the child know that you accept and understand the reasons and feelings, though you might not necessarily agree. Put yourself in the child’s position and get a sense of the child’s thoughts and feelings. Then, share what you think you understand with warmth and acceptance.
Don’t be afraid of misinterpreting what your children have said – they will steer you onto the correct path. This level of listening sends a clear message to the child that you will be open to discussing anything, no matter what, and that you will not freak out or get mad.
Don’t repeat your child’s words verbatim. Rephrase them to capture the feelings expressed and a bit of the situation to demonstrate that you have been listening and do understand.
Resist the urge to press ahead with your agenda. You may want to offer rationalizations and solutions, but your child will just ignore them. They need to hear that you understand whatever they’re feeling and that you’re acknowledging those feelings. At some point they can solve their own issues, and if not, they know that you’re there for them.
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