Building a relationship is a unique and powerful way for us to connect with our kids. When we are more respectful in our approach, we can create the right atmosphere for deeper, more meaningful conversations about underage drinking.
The good news is that, as parents, we don’t need to reinvent ourselves or memorize a list of rules. With the relationship building approach, and using the three stages of parenting – teaching, facilitating and coaching – we just need to sharpen the tools we already have. If you’re reading this, it’s because you genuinely want your children to make smart decisions in this adult world. The relationship model is a different approach that really works, as long as we’re willing to leave the traditional approach behind.
“Work the relationship and the behaviour will take care of itself.”
Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Canadian Developmental Psychologist based in Vancouver, B.C.
Traditional Approach |
Relationship Building Approach |
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Yes-or-No Questions |
Open-ended Questions |
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“Will there be drinking at the party?” |
“If there’s drinking at the party, what will you do?” |
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“Have you ever tried alcohol?” |
“What do you think about kids who drink?” |
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“Do your friends drink?” |
“If your friends wanted to drink, how would you handle it?” |
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“Will his/her parents be home?” |
“Tell me about Tim’s parents. What are they like?” |
Traditional Approach |
Relationship Building Approach |
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Leading with Assumptions or |
Curiosity and Active Listening |
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“I know what it’s like to be your age.” |
“It must be confusing to be a teenager these days?” |
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“You are forbidden from drinking.” |
“What’s the hardest thing you deal with when it comes to just being yourself around your friends?” |
Traditional Approach |
Relationship Building Approach |
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General, Non-specific Statements |
Ending with a Clear Statement |
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“You know the right thing to do.” |
“I expect that you won’t drink alcohol.” |
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“You know what we expect.” |
“If you ever have a question about alcohol, you can count on me to listen and answer honestly.” |
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“Make me proud of you.” |
“Don’t do anything stupid.” |
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“If you’re ever in a situation where you have to choose between getting in a car with a drunk driver or calling me, I want you to know you can call me and I’ll come get you with no questions asked.” |
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Click here for the 3 Levels of Listening |